Monday, November 22, 2010
Will the REAL you PLEASE stand up?!
It has been said that one of the hardest things to do is to be our true authentic selves. Fear of judgment from others and a deep-rooted belief that we are somehow ‘not enough’ often compel us to play roles and take on personas that don’t serve us and keep our true genius and gifts from emerging. As a result we never live up to our infinite potential and end up leading our lives in quite (and sometimes not-so-quite) desperation. Hoping that we will one day ‘find ourselves’ and experience the bliss and freedom that we say we want but, somewhere deep inside our consciousness, do not believe we deserve. Your very existence on the planet is your license to live a full and abundant life and be your real self. Find the courage to stand up for your right to be yourself. You were put on this earth to fulfill a unique and divinely designed purpose. The sooner you stop striving to be somebody that you are not and start celebrating and expressing the true beauty of who you are the sooner your purpose will be revealed to you.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Forgive and forget? Not exactly…..
Lately, I have been struggling with the concept of forgiveness. For most of my life I believed that forgiving someone meant that, in addition to letting go of whatever anger or resentment I held toward them I also had to allow them the same level of access into my life that they enjoyed before the rift. I have since come to the very liberating realization that that is only partially true.
Forgiving someone and truly letting go IS a gift that we give to ourselves. The act of forgiveness spares our bodies from the physiological effects of anger and angst; frees up space in our mind for more important things; and gives us peace. As such I am a firm believer in forgiving, but not forgetting – at least not in the conventional sense.
Conflicts and challenges in personal and professional relationships give us opportunities to discover where people are in their consciousness. I know people who have the capacity to engage in heated discussions with a great deal of dignity and compassion. They may not agree with what’s being said. They may be hurt or even angry. Yet even in their most agitated state they are able to express themselves without resorting to behavior that I believe reflects a lack of consciousness and a low capacity for self-reflection and accountability (e.g. name calling, guilt tripping, etc). They exercise the restraint needed to keep from saying or doing something that they can’t take back after the anger subsides and they return to a more calm state. And they demonstrate an authentic desire to really hear and process what the other person is saying. While arguments with these folks aren’t ‘fun’ the presence of respect and compassion help to ensure that the relationship will remain intact and grow stronger after all is said and done. Once the dust settles I remember who that person ‘became’ in the heat of the conflict and bring that awareness (and gratitude) into my future interactions him/her. Trust grows. My ability to be more emotionally vulnerable with that person grows. The relationship is strengthened.
The opposite happens when I interact with someone who exhibits abusive or hostile behavior during conflicts. Trust decreases drastically. My willingness to be emotionally vulnerable dissolves. The relationship is weakened or broken (sometimes irreversibly). It’s not that I take their behavior personally or judge them because of it. I have gotten to a place where I don’t even feel compelled to react to such behavior. Instead, I use the exchanges as teachable moments that illustrate where the other person is in his/her development and lets me know how much access to give him/her into my life and personal space going forward. I recognize and accept who this person becomes in times of challenge and stress. I have faith that the person has the capacity to evolve and grow. However, I recognize that it’s not my place to try to change them. You can’t drag people down the road of transformation and self-awareness. That’s a personal path that we each must travel at our own time and pace. Instead, I exercise my right to keep an emotional distance to minimize my exposure to energy and situations that don’t serve me.
It’s extremely liberating to know that I can choose who I have in my life and in what capacity – no matter who they are. This makes it easier for me to forgive and let issues go. It also keeps me from feeling guilty when I find it necessary to put up what I call my force field of consciousness which I do without any big proclamations or protracted conversations. The decision does not require the other person’s approval, permission, participation or understanding. All I can (and feel I MUST) do is:
•Accept the person for who s/he is without judgment
•Forgive them for any negative behavior that may stem from their lack of self awareness;
•Draw on MY new awareness to manage their level of access in my life; and (now this is the hard part)
•Say a silent prayer or blessing on their behalf in hopes that s/he will eventually find inner peace and balance.
The more I follow these principals the easier it is for me to stay on my path and focus on what’s really important – my own spiritual development and peace of mind.
Forgiving someone and truly letting go IS a gift that we give to ourselves. The act of forgiveness spares our bodies from the physiological effects of anger and angst; frees up space in our mind for more important things; and gives us peace. As such I am a firm believer in forgiving, but not forgetting – at least not in the conventional sense.
Conflicts and challenges in personal and professional relationships give us opportunities to discover where people are in their consciousness. I know people who have the capacity to engage in heated discussions with a great deal of dignity and compassion. They may not agree with what’s being said. They may be hurt or even angry. Yet even in their most agitated state they are able to express themselves without resorting to behavior that I believe reflects a lack of consciousness and a low capacity for self-reflection and accountability (e.g. name calling, guilt tripping, etc). They exercise the restraint needed to keep from saying or doing something that they can’t take back after the anger subsides and they return to a more calm state. And they demonstrate an authentic desire to really hear and process what the other person is saying. While arguments with these folks aren’t ‘fun’ the presence of respect and compassion help to ensure that the relationship will remain intact and grow stronger after all is said and done. Once the dust settles I remember who that person ‘became’ in the heat of the conflict and bring that awareness (and gratitude) into my future interactions him/her. Trust grows. My ability to be more emotionally vulnerable with that person grows. The relationship is strengthened.
The opposite happens when I interact with someone who exhibits abusive or hostile behavior during conflicts. Trust decreases drastically. My willingness to be emotionally vulnerable dissolves. The relationship is weakened or broken (sometimes irreversibly). It’s not that I take their behavior personally or judge them because of it. I have gotten to a place where I don’t even feel compelled to react to such behavior. Instead, I use the exchanges as teachable moments that illustrate where the other person is in his/her development and lets me know how much access to give him/her into my life and personal space going forward. I recognize and accept who this person becomes in times of challenge and stress. I have faith that the person has the capacity to evolve and grow. However, I recognize that it’s not my place to try to change them. You can’t drag people down the road of transformation and self-awareness. That’s a personal path that we each must travel at our own time and pace. Instead, I exercise my right to keep an emotional distance to minimize my exposure to energy and situations that don’t serve me.
It’s extremely liberating to know that I can choose who I have in my life and in what capacity – no matter who they are. This makes it easier for me to forgive and let issues go. It also keeps me from feeling guilty when I find it necessary to put up what I call my force field of consciousness which I do without any big proclamations or protracted conversations. The decision does not require the other person’s approval, permission, participation or understanding. All I can (and feel I MUST) do is:
•Accept the person for who s/he is without judgment
•Forgive them for any negative behavior that may stem from their lack of self awareness;
•Draw on MY new awareness to manage their level of access in my life; and (now this is the hard part)
•Say a silent prayer or blessing on their behalf in hopes that s/he will eventually find inner peace and balance.
The more I follow these principals the easier it is for me to stay on my path and focus on what’s really important – my own spiritual development and peace of mind.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Take time for you!
This past Sunday I committed what, up until then, I considered to be an unspeakable act: I missed my baby cousin’s ‘going off to college’ party. I come from a very large, relatively close-knit family that takes family gatherings extremely seriously. If you are in town and there is something going on you are expected to be there. For us it’s critically important that we support one another and celebrate the special moments in each of our lives. We were raised not to take our family for granted and to be there for each other at all times.
I, like most of family, take this responsibility very seriously. Although I long since moved away from our home-town of Boston, I always make an effort to be in town for family functions, no matter how big or small, and no matter what the expense. So missing an event that was taking place while I was actually in town was just not heard of.
Unfortunately, on the day of this particular event I just didn’t have the mental strength leave the house, let alone go to a party. After spending six weeks in New York, I had returned to Boston for just three days when I had to travel back to New York for the day, return to Boston the next day to teach a class, and get up the next morning and take an 8 hour train ride to DC with my 4 year-old niece. After four days in DC I took a 10-hour train ride back to Boston and got straight to work. Not to mention that that the day before the party I rode 15 miles on my bike, took two Tae Kwon Do class, rehearsed the creation of my new piece and taught an outdoor dance class.
To say I was 'spent' the morning of the party would have been an understatement of the worst kind! My body was sore and my spirit was tired. I needed a day by myself. I needed to make a choice between sharing a special moment with my cousin and recharging my battery. By 10:00 a.m. I had made my decision. If I went to the party I would not have been fully present. Instead I would have been walking in a haze, barely able to move or really appreciate what was going on around me. On the other hand, if I stayed home I could give myself some much needed down time re-energize my mind and spirit and better prepare myself for the week ahead. I chose to put myself first and stayed home.
Surprisingly, the world didn’t end. My family didn’t disown me. And my sweet cousin completely understood when I told her the truth about my absence. I woke up on Monday completely replenished and better able to be of service to my family and the community that I hold so dear.
I’m glad that I took that moment and reminded myself that I should be the top priority on my ‘to do’ list. If am depleted and rundown then I am of no use to myself or those who I strive to support and serve. The greatest gift that I can give to another (family member, friend, community, etc.) is to take care of myself. Getting proper rest and nutrition, pursing my fitness goals, nurturing my mental and spiritual health – these things strengthen me and my ability to be of service others. I encourage you to make time for you!
I, like most of family, take this responsibility very seriously. Although I long since moved away from our home-town of Boston, I always make an effort to be in town for family functions, no matter how big or small, and no matter what the expense. So missing an event that was taking place while I was actually in town was just not heard of.
Unfortunately, on the day of this particular event I just didn’t have the mental strength leave the house, let alone go to a party. After spending six weeks in New York, I had returned to Boston for just three days when I had to travel back to New York for the day, return to Boston the next day to teach a class, and get up the next morning and take an 8 hour train ride to DC with my 4 year-old niece. After four days in DC I took a 10-hour train ride back to Boston and got straight to work. Not to mention that that the day before the party I rode 15 miles on my bike, took two Tae Kwon Do class, rehearsed the creation of my new piece and taught an outdoor dance class.
To say I was 'spent' the morning of the party would have been an understatement of the worst kind! My body was sore and my spirit was tired. I needed a day by myself. I needed to make a choice between sharing a special moment with my cousin and recharging my battery. By 10:00 a.m. I had made my decision. If I went to the party I would not have been fully present. Instead I would have been walking in a haze, barely able to move or really appreciate what was going on around me. On the other hand, if I stayed home I could give myself some much needed down time re-energize my mind and spirit and better prepare myself for the week ahead. I chose to put myself first and stayed home.
Surprisingly, the world didn’t end. My family didn’t disown me. And my sweet cousin completely understood when I told her the truth about my absence. I woke up on Monday completely replenished and better able to be of service to my family and the community that I hold so dear.
I’m glad that I took that moment and reminded myself that I should be the top priority on my ‘to do’ list. If am depleted and rundown then I am of no use to myself or those who I strive to support and serve. The greatest gift that I can give to another (family member, friend, community, etc.) is to take care of myself. Getting proper rest and nutrition, pursing my fitness goals, nurturing my mental and spiritual health – these things strengthen me and my ability to be of service others. I encourage you to make time for you!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Feeding my ego.....
During a recent trip to Europe with OrigiNation (www.originationinc.org) I had an epiphany which radically changed my approach to public service. My intention for this trip was to create an opportunity for our students to learn about and grow from their exposure to a different culture. The idealist in me wanted them to be transformed by the experience, expand the lens through which they view their own lives, and raise their consciousness.
The trip was a success, we connected with a fabulous school where we conducted workshops and performed. And a number of the young people expressed a desire to go back and possibly live in London for a while as adults. However, we did have our share of challenges. One student’s bank card was eaten by the ATM machine so he had limited access to cash during our day-trip to Paris (a problem which he handled with a great deal of grace and maturity). Inter-personal tensions among some of the young people made for several awkward moments. And some folks were ill-prepared for the weather.
For the first few days I found myself obsessing over these little challenges. I worried whether the youth were having a good time. When I heard that one of them was homesick after the first day I started obsessing about what could be done to make him feel better. When some of the young people overslept and missed breakfast (because they chose to stay up all night talking) I found myself worrying that they would be hungry all day. And when, during a day trip to Paris, a few of them expressed that they weren’t really ‘feeling' the country because the people were ‘arrogant’ I became really aggravated. We were only there for a few hours and saw it from the comfort of a tour bus. I thought to myself: “How in the world can you know whether or not you’re ‘feeling’ a place and judge an entire population of a country based on a bus ride!”
Then one night, during a conversation with my sisters who were also on the trip, I had one of those Oprah "Ah ha moments". It occurred to me that the frustration and anxiety I felt was coming from my ego. On some level deep down in my subconscious, I believe that I wanted everyone to have a great time because I thought it would reflect positively on me. I had expectations of how they ‘should’ respond to this opportunity. And in those few instances when I saw behaviors that were not consistent with my expectations I took it personally and became annoyed and a little resentful. These expectations were keeping me from honoring the young people’s authentic expressions of what they were experiencing and, consequently, were keeping me from truly enjoying the trip. I also totally turned my back from a principal which guides me in my own life: whether we define them as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ all experiences contribute to our growth and are, therefore, valuable.
I discovered that it’s not my place to put expectations on how young people (or anyone else for that matter) should respond to an event, program, service or any other initiative that I may offer. To do so would be an attempt to feed my ego’s need for affirmation. Instead, my role is simply to create an opportunity and safe space where growth and expanded learning can occur, shed light on any ‘teachable moments’ that may arise. Whatever unfolds beyond that is not my spiritual business. I’m grateful for the lesson and the freedom that coems with it.
The trip was a success, we connected with a fabulous school where we conducted workshops and performed. And a number of the young people expressed a desire to go back and possibly live in London for a while as adults. However, we did have our share of challenges. One student’s bank card was eaten by the ATM machine so he had limited access to cash during our day-trip to Paris (a problem which he handled with a great deal of grace and maturity). Inter-personal tensions among some of the young people made for several awkward moments. And some folks were ill-prepared for the weather.
For the first few days I found myself obsessing over these little challenges. I worried whether the youth were having a good time. When I heard that one of them was homesick after the first day I started obsessing about what could be done to make him feel better. When some of the young people overslept and missed breakfast (because they chose to stay up all night talking) I found myself worrying that they would be hungry all day. And when, during a day trip to Paris, a few of them expressed that they weren’t really ‘feeling' the country because the people were ‘arrogant’ I became really aggravated. We were only there for a few hours and saw it from the comfort of a tour bus. I thought to myself: “How in the world can you know whether or not you’re ‘feeling’ a place and judge an entire population of a country based on a bus ride!”
Then one night, during a conversation with my sisters who were also on the trip, I had one of those Oprah "Ah ha moments". It occurred to me that the frustration and anxiety I felt was coming from my ego. On some level deep down in my subconscious, I believe that I wanted everyone to have a great time because I thought it would reflect positively on me. I had expectations of how they ‘should’ respond to this opportunity. And in those few instances when I saw behaviors that were not consistent with my expectations I took it personally and became annoyed and a little resentful. These expectations were keeping me from honoring the young people’s authentic expressions of what they were experiencing and, consequently, were keeping me from truly enjoying the trip. I also totally turned my back from a principal which guides me in my own life: whether we define them as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ all experiences contribute to our growth and are, therefore, valuable.
I discovered that it’s not my place to put expectations on how young people (or anyone else for that matter) should respond to an event, program, service or any other initiative that I may offer. To do so would be an attempt to feed my ego’s need for affirmation. Instead, my role is simply to create an opportunity and safe space where growth and expanded learning can occur, shed light on any ‘teachable moments’ that may arise. Whatever unfolds beyond that is not my spiritual business. I’m grateful for the lesson and the freedom that coems with it.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
The Benefit of the Doubt: A Gift for All Occasions!
A few years back I had an argument with my brother Omekongo about closet space. At the time I was living with him, my sister-in-law and nieces in DC. We had just moved into a new house and I was staying in the guest room on the ground floor. The room didn’t have a closet so I was storing some of my things in the hall closet until I could get around to buying a closet unit for the room. One day my brother (a neat-freak for the ages!) suggested that I move some of my items to another closet to make more room in the hall closet for guests’ coats, shoes, etc. For some reason, I took the request extremely personally, interpreting it as a hint that my stuff (read: I) was in the way. I was so offended that I launched into this long soliloquy that propelled us into a protracted back and forth - the details of which I can’t even remember now.
Fortunately, Omekongo and I the don’t let grudges or problems go on between us for long. We were able to get back on track, get to the source of the problem (my misinterpretation of his comments) and move on. At one point during the debrief (or maybe it was during one of our previous arguments – hey we’ve known each other over 30 years an argument is to be expected every now and then!) he said it bothers him when I don’t give him the benefit of the doubt when a problem comes up. Upon reflection I recognized that he was asking me to approach him with an awareness of who he is at his core and the strength of our relationship and use that as the starting point for our conversation. In the case of the closet, my reaction was clouded by my apprehension about being in the way. However, the truth about my brother and my sister (in-law) Kendra is that they loved having me live with them. They’re both all about family and would probably love to see me move back to DC for my company and the extra help I can offer in raising our girls. So the comment about moving the clothes in the closet wasn’t a back-handed comment about me --it was just a question about clothes.
Since moving away from DC I have tried to incorporate this “Benefit of the Doubt” notion into my personal and professional relationships. It’s not always easy. I (along with a number of folks I know) have a tendency to take things personally and don’t always look at the source of a comment before reacting to what may appear to be a criticism or personal attack. This is especially true when I’m dealing with someone who I experience as being chronically negative and/or argumentative. However, in the instances where I am able to take a mental breath, really see the person in front of me (or on the phone, online, etc.) and look at the situation through the lens of that awareness, I find that I can diffuse my anxiety almost instantly, focus on the content of what is being said, and stay on purpose. Giving people the benefit of the doubt keeps me from piling on a boatload of emotions and connotations on top of what they are saying, dramatically reduces my stress level and helps to prevent me from creating problems where they don’t exist. The next time somebody you know says or does something that tap dances on the last nerve you have, why not try to give them the benefit of the doubt? If you know them to be a loving supportive friend or family member bring that awareness to your conversation and allow that to be the filter through which you hear their words or experience their actions. You and your relationship will be better for it!
Fortunately, Omekongo and I the don’t let grudges or problems go on between us for long. We were able to get back on track, get to the source of the problem (my misinterpretation of his comments) and move on. At one point during the debrief (or maybe it was during one of our previous arguments – hey we’ve known each other over 30 years an argument is to be expected every now and then!) he said it bothers him when I don’t give him the benefit of the doubt when a problem comes up. Upon reflection I recognized that he was asking me to approach him with an awareness of who he is at his core and the strength of our relationship and use that as the starting point for our conversation. In the case of the closet, my reaction was clouded by my apprehension about being in the way. However, the truth about my brother and my sister (in-law) Kendra is that they loved having me live with them. They’re both all about family and would probably love to see me move back to DC for my company and the extra help I can offer in raising our girls. So the comment about moving the clothes in the closet wasn’t a back-handed comment about me --it was just a question about clothes.
Since moving away from DC I have tried to incorporate this “Benefit of the Doubt” notion into my personal and professional relationships. It’s not always easy. I (along with a number of folks I know) have a tendency to take things personally and don’t always look at the source of a comment before reacting to what may appear to be a criticism or personal attack. This is especially true when I’m dealing with someone who I experience as being chronically negative and/or argumentative. However, in the instances where I am able to take a mental breath, really see the person in front of me (or on the phone, online, etc.) and look at the situation through the lens of that awareness, I find that I can diffuse my anxiety almost instantly, focus on the content of what is being said, and stay on purpose. Giving people the benefit of the doubt keeps me from piling on a boatload of emotions and connotations on top of what they are saying, dramatically reduces my stress level and helps to prevent me from creating problems where they don’t exist. The next time somebody you know says or does something that tap dances on the last nerve you have, why not try to give them the benefit of the doubt? If you know them to be a loving supportive friend or family member bring that awareness to your conversation and allow that to be the filter through which you hear their words or experience their actions. You and your relationship will be better for it!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
'No’ is NOT a four-letter word!
I am one of those people who means what I say, and says what I mean. If someone asks me for a favor that involves giving of myself and my time (e.g. giving them a ride, babysitting, etc.) I usually only say ‘yes’ if I really WANT to do what I’m being asked. Otherwise I decline, using what author and spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle describes as a “quality ‘NO’”, one that is given with “no negative energy…and no resistance”. I generally don’t feel guilty or bad when I make the choice to put my needs first and don’t feel obligated to say yes to every request that comes my way.
This wasn’t always the case. For more years than I care to remember I struggled with the very unhealthy habit of saying ‘yes’ to EVERYBODY all the time. In a desperate attempt to live up to my self–imposed image as a ‘go to person’ I found myself consistently sacrificing my time, energy, money, and peace of mind to fulfill the needs of others. I would take on other peoples’ problems and spend tons of energy trying to ‘help ‘ him or her. If a friend needed to talk I would forgo sleep and my own work to be there to help them analyze their problems from a million different angles trying to find a resolution. If someone in my family needed something I would drop whatever I was doing to tend to their needs. Ever the dutiful daughter and consistent confidant. I was superwoman - or so I thought.
The problem with trying to be everything to everybody is that it left me feeling in a constant state of stress. I started dodging calls from people who I believed were ‘using’ me. I would sometimes walk around with an attitude as a pre-emptive strike so that folks wouldn’t ask me for things and I wouldn’t be in the position of having to do yet another favor or making up an excuse as to why I couldn’t help out. Or I would say ‘yes’ and have an attitude the whole time I was fulfilling the request.
I can’t pinpoint a specific event which made me become aware of this particular challenge. But as my awareness grew I began to see that I was not alone. I began to notice a number of friends and family (men and women) who were caught in the same cycle and decided I needed to make a change. I decided that I was going to make ‘no’ my friend. It wasn’t easy. I really struggled with saying no to family, especially when those requests involved my nephews and nieces. What would they think of me? Would they think I didn’t love them or the kids? Would I seem selfish? Sometimes I would say ‘no’ to family and feel so guilty that I would call them back and change my mind. It took some time and trial and error but it was worth it.
Today I live with a freedom of knowing that I have a choice of how and with whom I spend my time. Now, when I do say ‘yes’ I am able to deliver the promise or complete the task with no resentment or bitterness. Developing a healthy relationship with the word ‘no’ has helped to create appropriate boundaries in my personal and professional relationships. I still get the occasional raised eyebrow or a half-hearted guilt-trip attempt from folks when I decline an invitation or favor request. But that’s okay. Their responses don’t faze or move me. Instead I use them as an opportunity to further my practice of taking care of myself!
I encourage you to get in the driver's seat of your life. Discover the freedom that comes with knowing you DO have a choice when it comes to your time. Make choices that serve you and your quest for peace. It's one of the best gifts you can give to yourself and those who mean the most to you!
This wasn’t always the case. For more years than I care to remember I struggled with the very unhealthy habit of saying ‘yes’ to EVERYBODY all the time. In a desperate attempt to live up to my self–imposed image as a ‘go to person’ I found myself consistently sacrificing my time, energy, money, and peace of mind to fulfill the needs of others. I would take on other peoples’ problems and spend tons of energy trying to ‘help ‘ him or her. If a friend needed to talk I would forgo sleep and my own work to be there to help them analyze their problems from a million different angles trying to find a resolution. If someone in my family needed something I would drop whatever I was doing to tend to their needs. Ever the dutiful daughter and consistent confidant. I was superwoman - or so I thought.
The problem with trying to be everything to everybody is that it left me feeling in a constant state of stress. I started dodging calls from people who I believed were ‘using’ me. I would sometimes walk around with an attitude as a pre-emptive strike so that folks wouldn’t ask me for things and I wouldn’t be in the position of having to do yet another favor or making up an excuse as to why I couldn’t help out. Or I would say ‘yes’ and have an attitude the whole time I was fulfilling the request.
I can’t pinpoint a specific event which made me become aware of this particular challenge. But as my awareness grew I began to see that I was not alone. I began to notice a number of friends and family (men and women) who were caught in the same cycle and decided I needed to make a change. I decided that I was going to make ‘no’ my friend. It wasn’t easy. I really struggled with saying no to family, especially when those requests involved my nephews and nieces. What would they think of me? Would they think I didn’t love them or the kids? Would I seem selfish? Sometimes I would say ‘no’ to family and feel so guilty that I would call them back and change my mind. It took some time and trial and error but it was worth it.
Today I live with a freedom of knowing that I have a choice of how and with whom I spend my time. Now, when I do say ‘yes’ I am able to deliver the promise or complete the task with no resentment or bitterness. Developing a healthy relationship with the word ‘no’ has helped to create appropriate boundaries in my personal and professional relationships. I still get the occasional raised eyebrow or a half-hearted guilt-trip attempt from folks when I decline an invitation or favor request. But that’s okay. Their responses don’t faze or move me. Instead I use them as an opportunity to further my practice of taking care of myself!
I encourage you to get in the driver's seat of your life. Discover the freedom that comes with knowing you DO have a choice when it comes to your time. Make choices that serve you and your quest for peace. It's one of the best gifts you can give to yourself and those who mean the most to you!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
The O.W.E. Factor
Offering Without Expectations
“After all I’ve done for you I can’t believe you would…...”
Sound familiar? It’s a common phenomenon: doing things for others with the expectation that they will either reciprocate the action or behave in a way that demonstrates their appreciation. It happens most often in our personal relationships. Many parents berate their children when they act out with constant reminders of all the sacrifices they made in order for them to have nice things, clothes, a roof over their head, etc. Spouses often choose to become offended when their ‘other half’ won’t do a certain task despite the numerous times the offended spouse has ‘gone the extra mile’ or been supportive. It also happens in the workplace when employers choose to be insulted when a high performing staff person on whom they may have bestowed special consideration (e.g. a raise, corner office, more time off) decides to leave.
I’ve been guilty of it. Once I invited myself to Atlanta to see a good friend. We hadn’t hung out in a while and always had a great time together so I was excited when we were able to find a date that worked for both of us. I went for a few days and had a great time. However, during the course of our visit, he made a remark that almost made me go off the deep end. I don’t remember all the details of what happened leading up to the incident. As I recall, we were getting ready to go to see “Jungle Fever”, which I wasn’t really keen on seeing. I said something about him being trifling for not letting me pick the movie since I was his GUEST. With his usual sarcasm he replied, ”Um. You invited yourself!’ Of course he was joking. It was part of our usual back and forth. So I really should not have read anything into it. But I couldn’t help it. I didn’t say anything out loud. But the voice in my head was going OFF! “Oh no he didn’t! How could he say that after I spent my money and took time off from work to come hang with him?! Does he know how many folks would appreciate an opportunity to spend this kind of time with me? I could have used the money I spent on this ticket to pay my bills!” I was heated. I gave him the silent treatment for about 20 minutes. (Of course he didn’t know what was up. However, he did have enough sense to wait until I started speaking to him before he dared open his mouth again). After we (actually I) got over it we went on to have a great visit.
Now that was back when I was in my 20’s (A.K.A: My era of Passive Aggression). In the 20 years that have passed since then I found myself repeating that dynamic over and over. It even started to manifest in my professional life. While I was working as an administrative assistant at a detention diversion center and then later as a community organizer, I often found myself becoming secretly angry whenever a young person I worked with got locked up, pregnant, or dropped out of school. "After all the time I invested……
After several years of being ‘let down’ by ‘ingrates’ and occasionally finding myself on the receiving end ofthe wrath of someone who felt I let THEM down by my apparent lack of gratitude, I eventually became aware of just how selfish and unfair this M.O. is. Giving to fulfill a need to appear to be a generous and good person while harboring a secret agenda taints the whole act. It has taken some time, but I am now at a place where I give for the solely for the sake of giving. Not because I want or expect something in return. Today I strive to O.W.E.: Offer Without Expectations. The results have been great!
I believe that we are all the keepers of our spirit and peace. I encourage you to let go of your attachment to the need for validation for your generosity beyond a simple ‘thank you’ (Sometimes you may not even get that!) Of course good manners are important. And it does feel good to be acknowledged for doing things for others. But that should not be our main focus. Serve and give with the purest of intensions. You will marvel in the peace it brings!
“After all I’ve done for you I can’t believe you would…...”
Sound familiar? It’s a common phenomenon: doing things for others with the expectation that they will either reciprocate the action or behave in a way that demonstrates their appreciation. It happens most often in our personal relationships. Many parents berate their children when they act out with constant reminders of all the sacrifices they made in order for them to have nice things, clothes, a roof over their head, etc. Spouses often choose to become offended when their ‘other half’ won’t do a certain task despite the numerous times the offended spouse has ‘gone the extra mile’ or been supportive. It also happens in the workplace when employers choose to be insulted when a high performing staff person on whom they may have bestowed special consideration (e.g. a raise, corner office, more time off) decides to leave.
I’ve been guilty of it. Once I invited myself to Atlanta to see a good friend. We hadn’t hung out in a while and always had a great time together so I was excited when we were able to find a date that worked for both of us. I went for a few days and had a great time. However, during the course of our visit, he made a remark that almost made me go off the deep end. I don’t remember all the details of what happened leading up to the incident. As I recall, we were getting ready to go to see “Jungle Fever”, which I wasn’t really keen on seeing. I said something about him being trifling for not letting me pick the movie since I was his GUEST. With his usual sarcasm he replied, ”Um. You invited yourself!’ Of course he was joking. It was part of our usual back and forth. So I really should not have read anything into it. But I couldn’t help it. I didn’t say anything out loud. But the voice in my head was going OFF! “Oh no he didn’t! How could he say that after I spent my money and took time off from work to come hang with him?! Does he know how many folks would appreciate an opportunity to spend this kind of time with me? I could have used the money I spent on this ticket to pay my bills!” I was heated. I gave him the silent treatment for about 20 minutes. (Of course he didn’t know what was up. However, he did have enough sense to wait until I started speaking to him before he dared open his mouth again). After we (actually I) got over it we went on to have a great visit.
Now that was back when I was in my 20’s (A.K.A: My era of Passive Aggression). In the 20 years that have passed since then I found myself repeating that dynamic over and over. It even started to manifest in my professional life. While I was working as an administrative assistant at a detention diversion center and then later as a community organizer, I often found myself becoming secretly angry whenever a young person I worked with got locked up, pregnant, or dropped out of school. "After all the time I invested……
After several years of being ‘let down’ by ‘ingrates’ and occasionally finding myself on the receiving end ofthe wrath of someone who felt I let THEM down by my apparent lack of gratitude, I eventually became aware of just how selfish and unfair this M.O. is. Giving to fulfill a need to appear to be a generous and good person while harboring a secret agenda taints the whole act. It has taken some time, but I am now at a place where I give for the solely for the sake of giving. Not because I want or expect something in return. Today I strive to O.W.E.: Offer Without Expectations. The results have been great!
I believe that we are all the keepers of our spirit and peace. I encourage you to let go of your attachment to the need for validation for your generosity beyond a simple ‘thank you’ (Sometimes you may not even get that!) Of course good manners are important. And it does feel good to be acknowledged for doing things for others. But that should not be our main focus. Serve and give with the purest of intensions. You will marvel in the peace it brings!
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