Grown Folks' Business

Whenever I think about ‘ideal’ parents my friend Todd (not his real name) always makes my top five. A recently divorced father of two, Todd always puts his children’s needs first. Because of his devotion to their well being, I wasn’t surprised this past mother’s day when he purchased a really thoughtful gift for his children to give to their mother. Despite their less than harmonious relationship, he felt it was important for his children to experience the good feelings that come from presenting a gift to their mother. He wanted his children to know that they should always respect and take care of her – no matter what. Needless to say my admiration for Todd shot through the roof after that.

It is rare to find an adult who is willing to put aside his/her personal pain, frustrations, etc. so as not to inflict pain on their children and saddle them with emotional baggage that they could very likely carry into adulthood. Far too often, adults embroiled in tumultuous relationships involve their children in their drama. They ‘dog’ their spouses, significant others, or exes to their children, share every ‘trifling’ thing that the offending person has done, and often force them to choose sides.

Just last week a young woman (I’ll call her Rose) called me because she was angry that her mother had been ‘disrespected’ by her father and his family and that she was going to put a stop to it. At the time I couldn’t figure out why my conversation with Rose made me so uneasy. Then I had a light bulb moment during a morning run last week that shed light on my feelings. It was déjà vu. Rose is the exact same age now that her mother was when she started calling me about this same issue over two decades ago. Rather than inheriting jewelry or a secret family recipe from her mother, Rose had instead inherited her mother’s emotional baggage and anger. Sadly, in the absence of some type of intervening force, Rose will most likely pass her legacy on to her children as well.

Those of us who are charged with raising children (parents, aunts, uncles, etc.) have a profound responsibility to be careful about the emotional inheritance that we leave them. Granted, it’s not easy to hold our tongues and submit to a higher purpose when we are hurt or angry – especially when we are emotionally connected to the person we believe hurt us. I have five nephews and nieces. At some point all of their parents (my siblings and in-laws alike) have tapped danced on my last nerve. We get into to it from time to time. It’s an inevitable part of family dynamics. I may even vent to my other siblings about them. However I have never, nor will I ever involve our children in what is commonly referred to as ‘grown folks’ business’ by dogging their parents to them. To do so would be highly irresponsible and could negatively impact their personal and emotional development in ways I may never fully comprehend.

Children don’t get to choose their parents or their relatives. Adults make those choices for them – and we don’t always get it right. When we come to the realization that we did indeed make a bad decision about the person with whom we chose to bring children into this world, then it is up to us to handle our business, protect ourselves, and do whatever is necessary to maintain (or reclaim) our dignity without vilifying that other person to our children. We must leave our children out of grown folks' business in order to maximize their chances of emerging from conflicts between their parents with as little emotional damage as possible. My eighth grade teacher used to say: “Old young…Long Old”. Our children will be ‘grown’ soon enough. Let’s not age them prematurely by bogging them down with issues and problems that were not of their making. They deserve better.