The O.W.E. Factor

Offering Without Expectations

“After all I’ve done for you I can’t believe you would…...”

Sound familiar? It’s a common phenomenon: doing things for others with the expectation that they will either reciprocate the action or behave in a way that demonstrates their appreciation. It happens most often in our personal relationships. Many parents berate their children when they act out with constant reminders of all the sacrifices they made in order for them to have nice things, clothes, a roof over their head, etc. Spouses often choose to become offended when their ‘other half’ won’t do a certain task despite the numerous times the offended spouse has ‘gone the extra mile’ or been supportive. It also happens in the workplace when employers choose to be insulted when a high performing staff person on whom they may have bestowed special consideration (e.g. a raise, corner office, more time off) decides to leave.

I’ve been guilty of it. Once I invited myself to Atlanta to see a good friend. We hadn’t hung out in a while and always had a great time together so I was excited when we were able to find a date that worked for both of us. I went for a few days and had a great time. However, during the course of our visit, he made a remark that almost made me go off the deep end. I don’t remember all the details of what happened leading up to the incident. As I recall, we were getting ready to go to see “Jungle Fever”, which I wasn’t really keen on seeing. I said something about him being trifling for not letting me pick the movie since I was his GUEST. With his usual sarcasm he replied, ”Um. You invited yourself!’ Of course he was joking. It was part of our usual back and forth. So I really should not have read anything into it. But I couldn’t help it. I didn’t say anything out loud. But the voice in my head was going OFF! “Oh no he didn’t! How could he say that after I spent my money and took time off from work to come hang with him?! Does he know how many folks would appreciate an opportunity to spend this kind of time with me? I could have used the money I spent on this ticket to pay my bills!” I was heated. I gave him the silent treatment for about 20 minutes. (Of course he didn’t know what was up. However, he did have enough sense to wait until I started speaking to him before he dared open his mouth again). After we (actually I) got over it we went on to have a great visit.

Now that was back when I was in my 20’s (A.K.A: My era of Passive Aggression). In the 20 years that have passed since then I found myself repeating that dynamic over and over. It even started to manifest in my professional life. While I was working as an administrative assistant at a detention diversion center and then later as a community organizer, I often found myself becoming secretly angry whenever a young person I worked with got locked up, pregnant, or dropped out of school. "After all the time I invested……

After several years of being ‘let down’ by ‘ingrates’ and occasionally finding myself on the receiving end ofthe wrath of someone who felt I let THEM down by my apparent lack of gratitude, I eventually became aware of just how selfish and unfair this M.O. is. Giving to fulfill a need to appear to be a generous and good person while harboring a secret agenda taints the whole act. It has taken some time, but I am now at a place where I give for the solely for the sake of giving. Not because I want or expect something in return. Today I strive to O.W.E.: Offer Without Expectations. The results have been great!

I believe that we are all the keepers of our spirit and peace. I encourage you to let go of your attachment to the need for validation for your generosity beyond a simple ‘thank you’ (Sometimes you may not even get that!) Of course good manners are important. And it does feel good to be acknowledged for doing things for others. But that should not be our main focus. Serve and give with the purest of intensions. You will marvel in the peace it brings!