'No’ is NOT a four-letter word!

I am one of those people who means what I say, and says what I mean. If someone asks me for a favor that involves giving of myself and my time (e.g. giving them a ride, babysitting, etc.) I usually only say ‘yes’ if I really WANT to do what I’m being asked. Otherwise I decline, using what author and spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle describes as a “quality ‘NO’”, one that is given with “no negative energy…and no resistance”. I generally don’t feel guilty or bad when I make the choice to put my needs first and don’t feel obligated to say yes to every request that comes my way.


This wasn’t always the case. For more years than I care to remember I struggled with the very unhealthy habit of saying ‘yes’ to EVERYBODY all the time. In a desperate attempt to live up to my self–imposed image as a ‘go to person’ I found myself consistently sacrificing my time, energy, money, and peace of mind to fulfill the needs of others. I would take on other peoples’ problems and spend tons of energy trying to ‘help ‘ him or her. If a friend needed to talk I would forgo sleep and my own work to be there to help them analyze their problems from a million different angles trying to find a resolution. If someone in my family needed something I would drop whatever I was doing to tend to their needs. Ever the dutiful daughter and consistent confidant. I was superwoman - or so I thought.

The problem with trying to be everything to everybody is that it left me feeling in a constant state of stress. I started dodging calls from people who I believed were ‘using’ me. I would sometimes walk around with an attitude as a pre-emptive strike so that folks wouldn’t ask me for things and I wouldn’t be in the position of having to do yet another favor or making up an excuse as to why I couldn’t help out. Or I would say ‘yes’ and have an attitude the whole time I was fulfilling the request.


I can’t pinpoint a specific event which made me become aware of this particular challenge. But as my awareness grew I began to see that I was not alone. I began to notice a number of friends and family (men and women) who were caught in the same cycle and decided I needed to make a change. I decided that I was going to make ‘no’ my friend. It wasn’t easy. I really struggled with saying no to family, especially when those requests involved my nephews and nieces. What would they think of me? Would they think I didn’t love them or the kids? Would I seem selfish? Sometimes I would say ‘no’ to family and feel so guilty that I would call them back and change my mind. It took some time and trial and error but it was worth it.


Today I live with a freedom of knowing that I have a choice of how and with whom I spend my time. Now, when I do say ‘yes’ I am able to deliver the promise or complete the task with no resentment or bitterness. Developing a healthy relationship with the word ‘no’ has helped to create appropriate boundaries in my personal and professional relationships. I still get the occasional raised eyebrow or a half-hearted guilt-trip attempt from folks when I decline an invitation or favor request. But that’s okay. Their responses don’t faze or move me. Instead I use them as an opportunity to further my practice of taking care of myself!

I encourage you to get in the driver's seat of your life. Discover the freedom that comes with knowing you DO have a choice when it comes to your time. Make choices that serve you and your quest for peace. It's one of the best gifts you can give to yourself and those who mean the most to you!