A few years back I had an argument with my brother Omekongo about closet space. At the time I was living with him, my sister-in-law and nieces in DC. We had just moved into a new house and I was staying in the guest room on the ground floor. The room didn’t have a closet so I was storing some of my things in the hall closet until I could get around to buying a closet unit for the room. One day my brother (a neat-freak for the ages!) suggested that I move some of my items to another closet to make more room in the hall closet for guests’ coats, shoes, etc. For some reason, I took the request extremely personally, interpreting it as a hint that my stuff (read: I) was in the way. I was so offended that I launched into this long soliloquy that propelled us into a protracted back and forth - the details of which I can’t even remember now.
Fortunately, Omekongo and I the don’t let grudges or problems go on between us for long. We were able to get back on track, get to the source of the problem (my misinterpretation of his comments) and move on. At one point during the debrief (or maybe it was during one of our previous arguments – hey we’ve known each other over 30 years an argument is to be expected every now and then!) he said it bothers him when I don’t give him the benefit of the doubt when a problem comes up. Upon reflection I recognized that he was asking me to approach him with an awareness of who he is at his core and the strength of our relationship and use that as the starting point for our conversation. In the case of the closet, my reaction was clouded by my apprehension about being in the way. However, the truth about my brother and my sister (in-law) Kendra is that they loved having me live with them. They’re both all about family and would probably love to see me move back to DC for my company and the extra help I can offer in raising our girls. So the comment about moving the clothes in the closet wasn’t a back-handed comment about me --it was just a question about clothes.
Since moving away from DC I have tried to incorporate this “Benefit of the Doubt” notion into my personal and professional relationships. It’s not always easy. I (along with a number of folks I know) have a tendency to take things personally and don’t always look at the source of a comment before reacting to what may appear to be a criticism or personal attack. This is especially true when I’m dealing with someone who I experience as being chronically negative and/or argumentative. However, in the instances where I am able to take a mental breath, really see the person in front of me (or on the phone, online, etc.) and look at the situation through the lens of that awareness, I find that I can diffuse my anxiety almost instantly, focus on the content of what is being said, and stay on purpose. Giving people the benefit of the doubt keeps me from piling on a boatload of emotions and connotations on top of what they are saying, dramatically reduces my stress level and helps to prevent me from creating problems where they don’t exist. The next time somebody you know says or does something that tap dances on the last nerve you have, why not try to give them the benefit of the doubt? If you know them to be a loving supportive friend or family member bring that awareness to your conversation and allow that to be the filter through which you hear their words or experience their actions. You and your relationship will be better for it!
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