Feeding my ego.....

During a recent trip to Europe with OrigiNation (www.originationinc.org) I had an epiphany which radically changed my approach to public service. My intention for this trip was to create an opportunity for our students to learn about and grow from their exposure to a different culture. The idealist in me wanted them to be transformed by the experience, expand the lens through which they view their own lives, and raise their consciousness.

The trip was a success, we connected with a fabulous school where we conducted workshops and performed. And a number of the young people expressed a desire to go back and possibly live in London for a while as adults. However, we did have our share of challenges. One student’s bank card was eaten by the ATM machine so he had limited access to cash during our day-trip to Paris (a problem which he handled with a great deal of grace and maturity). Inter-personal tensions among some of the young people made for several awkward moments. And some folks were ill-prepared for the weather.

For the first few days I found myself obsessing over these little challenges. I worried whether the youth were having a good time. When I heard that one of them was homesick after the first day I started obsessing about what could be done to make him feel better. When some of the young people overslept and missed breakfast (because they chose to stay up all night talking) I found myself worrying that they would be hungry all day. And when, during a day trip to Paris, a few of them expressed that they weren’t really ‘feeling' the country because the people were ‘arrogant’ I became really aggravated. We were only there for a few hours and saw it from the comfort of a tour bus. I thought to myself: “How in the world can you know whether or not you’re ‘feeling’ a place and judge an entire population of a country based on a bus ride!”

Then one night, during a conversation with my sisters who were also on the trip, I had one of those Oprah "Ah ha moments". It occurred to me that the frustration and anxiety I felt was coming from my ego. On some level deep down in my subconscious, I believe that I wanted everyone to have a great time because I thought it would reflect positively on me. I had expectations of how they ‘should’ respond to this opportunity. And in those few instances when I saw behaviors that were not consistent with my expectations I took it personally and became annoyed and a little resentful. These expectations were keeping me from honoring the young people’s authentic expressions of what they were experiencing and, consequently, were keeping me from truly enjoying the trip. I also totally turned my back from a principal which guides me in my own life: whether we define them as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ all experiences contribute to our growth and are, therefore, valuable.

I discovered that it’s not my place to put expectations on how young people (or anyone else for that matter) should respond to an event, program, service or any other initiative that I may offer. To do so would be an attempt to feed my ego’s need for affirmation. Instead, my role is simply to create an opportunity and safe space where growth and expanded learning can occur, shed light on any ‘teachable moments’ that may arise. Whatever unfolds beyond that is not my spiritual business. I’m grateful for the lesson and the freedom that coems with it.