Forgive and forget? Not exactly…..

Lately, I have been struggling with the concept of forgiveness. For most of my life I believed that forgiving someone meant that, in addition to letting go of whatever anger or resentment I held toward them I also had to allow them the same level of access into my life that they enjoyed before the rift. I have since come to the very liberating realization that that is only partially true.

Forgiving someone and truly letting go IS a gift that we give to ourselves. The act of forgiveness spares our bodies from the physiological effects of anger and angst; frees up space in our mind for more important things; and gives us peace. As such I am a firm believer in forgiving, but not forgetting – at least not in the conventional sense.

Conflicts and challenges in personal and professional relationships give us opportunities to discover where people are in their consciousness. I know people who have the capacity to engage in heated discussions with a great deal of dignity and compassion. They may not agree with what’s being said. They may be hurt or even angry. Yet even in their most agitated state they are able to express themselves without resorting to behavior that I believe reflects a lack of consciousness and a low capacity for self-reflection and accountability (e.g. name calling, guilt tripping, etc). They exercise the restraint needed to keep from saying or doing something that they can’t take back after the anger subsides and they return to a more calm state. And they demonstrate an authentic desire to really hear and process what the other person is saying. While arguments with these folks aren’t ‘fun’ the presence of respect and compassion help to ensure that the relationship will remain intact and grow stronger after all is said and done. Once the dust settles I remember who that person ‘became’ in the heat of the conflict and bring that awareness (and gratitude) into my future interactions him/her. Trust grows. My ability to be more emotionally vulnerable with that person grows. The relationship is strengthened.

The opposite happens when I interact with someone who exhibits abusive or hostile behavior during conflicts. Trust decreases drastically. My willingness to be emotionally vulnerable dissolves. The relationship is weakened or broken (sometimes irreversibly). It’s not that I take their behavior personally or judge them because of it. I have gotten to a place where I don’t even feel compelled to react to such behavior. Instead, I use the exchanges as teachable moments that illustrate where the other person is in his/her development and lets me know how much access to give him/her into my life and personal space going forward. I recognize and accept who this person becomes in times of challenge and stress. I have faith that the person has the capacity to evolve and grow. However, I recognize that it’s not my place to try to change them. You can’t drag people down the road of transformation and self-awareness. That’s a personal path that we each must travel at our own time and pace. Instead, I exercise my right to keep an emotional distance to minimize my exposure to energy and situations that don’t serve me.

It’s extremely liberating to know that I can choose who I have in my life and in what capacity – no matter who they are. This makes it easier for me to forgive and let issues go. It also keeps me from feeling guilty when I find it necessary to put up what I call my force field of consciousness which I do without any big proclamations or protracted conversations. The decision does not require the other person’s approval, permission, participation or understanding. All I can (and feel I MUST) do is:

•Accept the person for who s/he is without judgment

•Forgive them for any negative behavior that may stem from their lack of self awareness;

•Draw on MY new awareness to manage their level of access in my life; and (now this is the hard part)

•Say a silent prayer or blessing on their behalf in hopes that s/he will eventually find inner peace and balance.

The more I follow these principals the easier it is for me to stay on my path and focus on what’s really important – my own spiritual development and peace of mind.